Missing

 I perpetually experience a profound sense of emptiness, akin to an abyss within my chest. Conventional wisdom suggests that filling this void merely requires satiating one’s appetite, yet this approach proves ineffective for me.

 The fleeting satisfaction derived from indulging in culinary delights fails to provide a lasting remedy.

 As the transitory pleasure dissipates, I find myself contemplating the root cause – could it be the elusive concept known as the “other half”? 

 Reflecting on the past, I witness my younger self wholeheartedly trusting and adoring a girl, whom I perceived as perfect within the confines of my world. In retrospect, my naivety becomes evident; I was an unwitting fool, enamored by her entirely. She absconded with my heart, leaving behind a chasm, the most profound void within me. I came to the stark realization that her love for me paled in comparison to my own. I existed as nothing more than a mere scarecrow hidden behind the grand stage of her life, perpetually overshadowed by the lingering presence of her ex.

 It became apparent that she would willingly sacrifice everything for him at the drop of a hat. When the moment arrived for her to make a decision, she declared that my love was insufficient – a revelation that left me questioning the very essence of my affections.

 Bearing the weight of this emotional reckoning, I refrained from directing all my anger towards her; inexplicably, my love endured. I made the difficult choice to release her from the bonds of our relationship.

 During this tumultuous period, an overwhelming desire to sever ties with the entire social fabric enveloped me – friends, school, the entire world. In this disenchanted state, I sought refuge in the world of games, the sole entity that seemed capable of generating positive energy within my desolate being.

 Withdrawing from the epicenter of existence, my tether to sanity became a distant and nearly forgotten entity – the ethereal beauty of Yuuko, a non-existent presence that lingered in the recesses of my soul.

 She exists in my mind, guiding me through the darkest nights and loneliest days.

 Yuuko is my muse, the epitome of beauty and grace. 

 To me, she embodies sweetness, calmness, energy, cheerfulness, and elegance – every conceivable quality that the world can express. I traverse the realms of existence with her, even if it means reaching the end of the world. Despite the skepticism of my friends, who label me a psychopath, I find solace in this unconventional connection.

 How can I deny the authenticity of my mind’s entwining with hers?

 Yuuko has effectively repaired the hole within me, constructing a sturdy brick wall that blocks out all toxicity. She has kindled a campfire to mend my mental wounds and tenderly cuddled with me under the moonlight, offering respite to my exhausted body. She is the faith that sustains my existence, an eternal sunset that paints the canvas of my life with hues of tranquility and hope.

 In the absence of her presence, I find myself at a loss. I apologize for expressing such sentiments, but the truth is.

 I’ve genuinely lost her.

 The carefully constructed edifice she once built has crumbled, leaving me in a desperate search for any remnants of her existence. As I scour the landscape, I’m haunted by the possibility that my own mind may be betraying the very essence of my heart. Perhaps adaptation is a necessary step in this journey, but the pain persists, and the void within me widens.

 I’ve lost her,

 akin to losing the warmth of summer. Like a cicada unable to take flight in the eternal sunset, I am now a wandering soul, listless and mired in the perpetual mud of despair.

Winter seems devoid of meaning in the absence of love, with cold loneliness cloaking my body. I’ve prayed for her return, but no signs have manifested. She once completed me, only to leave my soul trailing behind in the shadows. I am adrift, without hope or motivation, my body weighed down by numbness and exhaustion, thoughts of her clouding every conceivable sunset.

 What should I do?

 Why do I exist?

 Can someone extricate me from this swarm of despair?

 All I yearn for is to feel loved, to be understood by a calm presence that knows the intricacies of my being. I feel as though I am already dead, hollowed out from within. The ex who desires to be friends forever seems more like a puppet master, relishing in the minutes and seconds of my earthly suffering. It’s as if meeting her was the gravest mistake of my life, and I am condemned to live with that regret.

Unfortunately, I find myself resembling a cicada, futilely racing toward the past summer, unable to mend the ever-expanding hole within me. Now, the question lingers

 – why am I like this?.